Time Needs Its Wings Clipped
It is hard for me to believe that just a couple of short years ago, I had the house to myself all day long and wrote books. That was my job. It was a glorious moment as I turn 54 in September, I am trying not to imagine that it was the pinnacle best time of my life. Surely there is more than that brief time of joy, right? Now there is never enough time. It runs through my figures like the finest sand. I know that in November, I will make tough decisions about which of my obligations stay and which ones go. I look forward to that time, but I also don’t. It will involve letting go of some dreams and disappointing some people and some brutal self-honesty about what is working and what isn’t (now or yet).
I feel strangely confident about the store, having just received some nice confirmations from the Universe. What I will let go of is the ongoing product and inventory development that is such a consumer of time and money. I love doing it and enjoy the creative process that comes with it, but resources on all levels need a break from it.
I am excited to go to the GH Fan Club Weekend in a week and look forward to seeing my dear friends there. I had resolved to not go this year, but a few miracles happened that paved the way, so I am going to have a fantastic working vacation and I hope some down time as well. Delena is going with me and she is a fantastic travel companion. I will have copies of The Insiders Guide to the General Hospital Fan Club Weekend and both the 2013 and 2014 General Hospital Fan Club Yearbook(s) available for purchase.
I now have two teen sons with driver permits, pending licenses. Soon, I will have no more kids at home. Dylan starts college at the end of August and Nathan will begin his junior year of homeschooling at the same time. They have both grown into fine young men.
Once again, I am working with weight loss issues. Those of you who have followed my blog for the ridiculous amount of time that I have been writing it know that this is something I have failed at countless times. I imagine you are as tired of hearing about it as I am of attempting it. One difference this time, whether it is minor or major, is that I have seen the positive outcome in vision, so I am working toward that. I re-started a week ago this past Monday, so…July 20 and since then, I have lost seven pounds. The cravings and desire for comfort eating even when I was not hungry were extreme and probably a hundred or more times, I thought I would cave in. Each day, I managed to keep my intake below 1200 calories, which is the point where I remain the same or gain. I think it was yesterday, or perhaps the day before, that I realized I was not struggling as hard as I had been before, so my hope is that I am over the hill for now. I am in a sweet place where I can eat minimally and be comfortable. What works for me is very, very minimal bread (then whole wheat), high protein, fruits, and vegetables. Essentially, it is Whole 30 without total bread restriction. I also find that I am not negatively triggered by beans and legumes, so I have chili once every couple of weeks. Lots of eggs, endless salads, lean meats, potatoes that are roasted or baked, steamed vegetables, very occasional pasta, but only tiny bits and absolutely no refined sugar products.
The sugar withdrawal is the worst. Even last night when I am in a really good space in regard to eating and was not hungry at all, I got triggered hard at Walmart and wanted to eat every candy bar and drink every soft drink in sight. It was an act of tremendous will to keep from telling myself “Just this one time, it will be OK” or “seriously, you’ve earned this… just eat the damned PayDay and drink the Dr Pepper and you’ll be fine.” But I didn’t and I pouted, but I survived.
To sound completely pathetic, I miss it so much. The burst of pleasure, the comfort, the “doing something just for me” feeling… It is a moment where no one can get between me and the happy. I don’t have other coping strategies for comfort and yes, these are stressful times in KatrinaLand. I don’t even drink wine or vape or anything that could be construed as pacifying. Eating and drinking all the wrong things was it for me. It worked so well that I never bothered to develop a taste for other vices.
I feel wonderful physically. My body works better inside and feels healthier already, although seven pounds doesn’t really translate out to visible results. I found a nice, supportive combination of supplements that stabilizes my energy, works on my cortisol levels, and boosts my metabolism a bit. I eat a lot of B12 for mood mollifying.
I got around another couple of pitfalls with the Aster of Avalon book and it is moving right along. History took care of me in that respect. I did some deeper digging into a key character and found some historical theories about him that created some fantastic plot points for me. The book is almost halfway done and I think it is turning out to be my favorite so far. It is a bit of a deviation from the formula of the first two, but you can’t have seven sisters and have them all tell the same tale. I am very excited for this series. Then I have to write the next in the porn series, then I have to write some more magical stuff, so the year is laid out for books. Hint: that is not something I intend to give up in November.
That is how things roll with Katrina right now. You can see that it’s about the same as always. I wish I had something wise and helpful to share with the world, but right now, it is chop wood and carry water. Thankfully, a metaphor. If I had 2-3 more days added in between Sunday and Saturday, life would be perfect.