My negativity is affecting my life in a pretty strong way.  It has taken a lot for me to get to the point of admitting that this is the case.  As many of you know, I have not always been this way.  What led me to it is personal, as these things tend to be.  You can pretty well guess that although I share a good bit of my life here in this journal, there is a good bit that goes unsaid. 

Lately, it has been hard to update here because the painful things seem to be all that’s around me and I don’t really want to write about that.  Somehow, giving those issues life in print makes them more real and gives them more power than what I want them to have. 

Things change.  We become achingly aware of the illusions and deceptions we put in place to support the choices we make.  Becoming dis-illusioned (hyphen intentional) isn’t always a bad thing.  Sometimes, it just is and you have to adjust.  I’m adjusting.  I’m adjusting from the position of flat on my back.  I am Charlie Brown, looking up at the sky from flat on my back with Lucy coming into view triumphantly holding the football and laughing.

Knowing the way things actually are gives us a stronger position to make good choices.  Making life choices based on how we *think* things are is dangerous.  So in a way, I feel better. 

I know I am talking in riddles and I apologize for that.  It’s hard to tell you where I am in life without feeling like I am getting into subjects that are too personal.  Just go with it. 

So anyway, I am making life choices and life changes.  I am dedicated to moving forward in a positive way for all concerned.  I had a good pity party and for the most part, I’m over it.  I want to learn to smile again and find the parts of me that are me.

When everything came to a head on July 5th (my son’s 13th birthday, although that is not in any way related or consequential), I felt like I’d been given an infusion of insight and lots of things started to fall into place and make sense.  Not all of them were comfortable, but things made sense. 

I had quite a moment of reality and considered how much of myself I have lost in the past year or more.  I have never really fit in anywhere being the person that I really am, so to try and find my place in society, I put on a lot of masks and tried to be someone who I thought would be more in tune with other people.  I tried to follow someone else’spattern for who I should be.  Last month, I was even all set to go to a LADIES’ LUNCHEON AND BOOK CLUB meeting.  For any of you who know me, does that sound like me?  I love a number of the women who go to this, but let’s face it.  It’s a far cry from the authentic me.

I did a reclaiming ceremony and burned off all of the masks (figuratively).  I peeled down the layers to find out who I really am again.  I dyed my hair red and got a fantastic new cut for the exhorbanent price of $14 (plus tip!). 

Yes, it's red

I went through my closet and packed away every PTA mom piece of clothing I owned and reclaimed all of the gypsy, witchy, flowing stuff I love.  I am craving big silver ornate rings, just so you’ll know.  I have to get some of those. 

I have been unplugged from my life, just going through the motions, since an emotional trauma that happened to me at the end of September 2009.  I have been cheating myself out of living.  I got a whiff of that with the “adventure” thing of recent past and I intend to continue that and stop limiting myself.  The difference is that I will be more of myself and not less.  The Winter was horrible and contributed to my further descent into darkness. 

I have been the walking dead.  My heart got broken.  My spirit got stomped on and I let that happen through my own illusions.  I set myself up.  Sure, there is other blame to go around, but I have my own share in this as well.  If I can own that, I can own the healing process for the damage that was done.  I can’t expect anyone else to do it for me. 

I am ready to come back to life again.  I want to be vibrant and whole and excited to wake up every morning and face the day.  I want to stop crying so much.  I want to stop feeling resentment and anger so much.  I want to go back to being that woman who saw miracles in calla lilies and felt magic on the wind. 

I let my hurt and fear shut out the miracles and magic from my life.  I let the life bleed right out of me through my broken heart.  I am working on receiving an infusion from Spirit to come alive again.  I feel as though I have  been asleep, processing, healing, assembling and planning.  It’s like a medically induced coma, except I have still been walking around doing all that needs to be done.  I’m awake and back in the game again.

This is the time in the harvest year when we see the crops in the field and know what is going to be harvested between August 1st and November 1st, the traditional time of the first and second harvests.  I believe that humans lived this way for so long, that the cycles are still embedded in us and that we respond to the honoring of those seasonal changes.  In July, agricultural villages would look out onto their fields and see them tall, vibrant and almost ready for the first cut to sustain them through the coming year.  As I look out onto my “fields” now, I know what my harvest will bring.

I am grateful for that.

The winds of change are blowing new opportunities and new beginnings my way.  The waters of life are washing away all that is old and outmoded and cleaning up what will remain.  The fires of creativity and change, like the flames that consume the phoenix before it rises up from its own ashes, are blazing.  The strength and healing of the earth is holding me up and providing for all of my needs.  The power of spirit flows through me and ignites my faith that we are all, each one, forging quickly ahead toward our own greatest good.

I am finished mourning what I have lost and I am eagerly and gratefully embracing what I have and what will be.  There is honor in knowing when to release and when to stop clinging to the past.  I open myself fully to what the future brings and I am ready to step boldly into whatever action is demanded.  Please don’t remind me of that when I am whimpering in the corner curled into a fetal postion, OK?

This time of being disconnected and out of touch is not something I regret by any means.  It gave me a chance to recharge and regroup and be ready for the final blow when it finally did come.  I don’t think any part of this process is regrettable at all.  The dark times serve us just as well as the light.  They are all part of the learning and growing composite.  When the seed is down in the earth changing and charging and stretching to prepare for the reach up through the soil’s surface toward the light, no one thinks it is being lazy or worthless.  The belief that we should always be “on” or powered up is likely why so many of us feel inadequate and inconsequential.  The walks through the Valley of the Shadow are vital to our forward movement, growth and development on all levels.

That doesn’t mean there isn’t damage to undo.  I’ve gained back 5 pounds, which needs to be managed sooner rather than later.  I need to get my kids used to being around a mom who is a little happier and connected rather than reclusive and fairly surly.  I have to work harder at opening the doors to miracles that my family very much needs to happen to get back on course again. 

I feel as though I have come into the light, out of the shadows.  I feel strong and confident and revitalized, even though I am still adapting to the unexpected changes life brought my way. 

I am, above all, a survivor.   I am more my authentic self now than I have been in ages and that tells me that the authentic self is what will not be denied, despite the masks that come and go.  Life is real now.  It is not something I have to endure day to day.  It is a gift filled with new opportunity, sometimes disguised as loss, and tremendous experiences just waiting to be discovered. 

To honor that transition out of the dark and into the light and to be honest, as a way to midwife myself the rest of the way through (no, just the head is poking out and there’s a whole big body left to go), I have started a new project called “Attitudes With Gratitude.”  It is based on the beautiful book by MJ Ryan and focuses on the process of transitioning out of a challenging, painful phase and into a more positive, gracious place by means of gratitude and readiness for change.

It is an interactive site where people may set up accounts and post their own gratitude lists and readiness lists.  Gratitude lists say what we are grateful for every single day, even the smallest things.  Readiness lists tell what we are prepared to welcome into our life as miracles.  To say wishes or prayers or longings seems to indicate a position of wanting, lacking and not having.  Readiness means that we are open to receiving those gifts.  People may also post inspirational goodies that have moved them in a positive way.

That’s all for now.  Thanks for listening.