I am very late in updating this journal, especially considering the magical mystery tour that my life has been lately.  I am again reminded of what a magical experience our life is if we just take the time to wake up and connect the dots through our myriad of life experiences.  Part of the reason why I have been so late in updating is that my PC has been in the shop and I have trouble writing creatively on a laptop. I love laptops for what they do, but I am a PC girl at heart.  I finally thought to plug my USB keyboard into the laptop and now it is easier for me to use.  At this point, I am ready to invest in a different PC (supposedly the motherboard and/or processor has died, which is not surprising given the hard miles I put on my PC) and get an external drive to house all of the necessary information that is currently on my internal hard drives like, oh, my whole entire business database.  I may be ready, however, my bank account is not, so we’ll see how that goes.

The other reason I have not updated is that it’s hard to put into words some of the insights and changes I have experienced.  It has been a gradual process for which I am very grateful and is the result of several key experiences and nudges all lining up to take me to a particular direction.  I feel as though I am indeed walking a magical path and the signposts are lighting up in a very Celestine Prophecy way.  It has traced far back, before but including the time that I home schooled Nathan, my experiences when I went back home to Ky in October, the darkness I fell into – literally and figuratively – over the Winter and really gaining power as I moved through the Spring and began my 60 Day Health and Fitness Challenge.

They always say that people who are obese are using food to medicate themselves through a problem they either can’t see or don’t want to solve.  I never thought that applied to me and figured I just like to eat.  The 60 Day Challenge is a task to which I was and am fully dedicated.  I am now 40 days in and the experience has been amazing on so many levels.  Without being able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want to cope with ongoing stress, disappointment, fear and anger, I was left with all those raw emotions exposed and demanding attention.  I was truly amazed by how often and how much I wanted to eat just to feel better and not because I was at all hungry.  Eating nurtured me, soothed me, distracted me and lulled me into comfort so that I did not have to think about whatever was upsetting me.  It was a tool and without that coping mechanism, I had no idea how to deal with those feelings.

I had a series of meltdowns over time where I vented out so much rage and hurt and old pain.  Eric was wonderful throughout it all and it helped me to see a different side of him.  Typically, he is not what I would call a nurturing person, but he was there for me and said and asked all the right things.  He was tough when I needed him to be tough and kind when I needed him to be kind.  He was understanding and showed tremendous ownership for his part in what I was feeling.  Being heard and releasing years of pent up, tamped down hurt and anger was so cathartic.  I know that was the weight I have carried for so long.

One of the issues that came up was a previously unrecognized jealousy I had that he was getting the things he wanted in his life.  He is going to school, getting a degree in Geology and will be working on a more professional level of mining.  I am still in the same place, doing the same things I have been doing for years.  There is very little sign of any progress.  He asked me what it is I want to do that I’m not doing and I was completely taken aback.  I did not have an answer for him.  I am almost 50 and had no idea what I want to do in my life.

I took a lot of meditative time and conscious thought and really considered what I want to do.  The thing was, I was afraid to tell Eric what that was once I figured it out.  It was actually he who initiated the conversation.  We were talking about something unrelated, and he brought forth the idea that the kids are now old enough to begin sacrificing so that we can do some of the things we want to do.  They aren’t babies requiring constant hands on attention now and his idea was that we could start doing some fun things.  I took  that opportunity to open up to him about what I wanted to do.  I want to have adventures.  I have been taking care of people since I turned 10 years old.  I have always had babies for the most part and now that they are older, I want to have some new experiences and stop saying “No” so much.

This was another magical moment.  Eric and I, a couple of weeks ago, watched a tremendously dumb movie called “Yes Man” with Jim Carrey.  Jim Carrey is not one of my favorite actors, although I do quite like “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotlight Mind,” “Bruce Almighty” and “Man in the Moon.”  The whole campy, Ace Ventura, mugging type of humor doesn’t really do much for me.  We watched the movie because nothing else was on and even though the movie is not one I would have chosen and was standard fare, it had a profound effect on me.  It was about a man who was kind of an uptight asshole who second guessed and over thought everything and did not say “Yes” to life enough.  He goes to a seminar and is convinced to say “Yes,” no matter what presents and as a result, he begins to live a much more fulfilling and joyful life.  It made me realize how often I shoot down ideas and say “No” for really stupid reasons.  I have accepted so many bullshit limitations like, “I can’t go on a cruise because I get seasick.”  ”I can’t do this or this because of my weight, my age, my kids…”  There’s always an excuse why I can’ t get out there and live my life.

Eric was extremely supportive of my newfound interest in adventures.  I told him I want to have some with him, some alone, some with the whole family.   I want to say “Yes” to life and stop sitting on the sidelines.  When it came time to take Joe to San Francisco (a 3 hour drive one way – this was a week ago tomorrow), Eric and I made tentative plans to spend the day together in San Francisco after we dropped him off.  I was completely ready to beg off because Joe is tall and can’t sit in the back seat.  Eric would drive.  I’d be stuck in the back seat.  I always get sick in the back seat.  Always.  I don’t like to walk.  San Francisco is all about walking.  Shit.  This was going to be awful.  I did, however, catch myself and said, “Nope!  Let’s do it!”  I rode in the back, got sick as a complete dog for the first hour or so o the trip, slept almost the whole rest of the way to the airport and was fine the rest of the day.

I asked Eric to plan the whole day and told him we would do whatever he wanted to do.  We went to Pier 39 and walked and walked and saw amazing things.  Then we went to Haight-Ashbury and walked and walked and saw amazing things.  Then we went to Golden Gate Park and walked and walked and saw amazing things.  By the time we got to the car many hours later, I was completely exhausted, but had experienced an incredible day full of adventures.  I took over 300 photos, which I will try to download and work on tomorrow.  Not having my PC has slowed me down on that, but I have resigned myself to doing it on the laptop after all.

Later this month, Eric has a medical appointment in Reno, the city were we got married 13 years ago, and he invited me to go with him.  I immediately said we shouldn’t leave the kids alone that long, I wasn’t sure how it work out with Delena’s trip down to see her dad, etc, etc.  I am SUCH a wet blanket!  I said, “Yes, let’s!  And let’s go up the day before and catch a show as well!”

I have to stop saying no and embrace life and the opportunities that come my way.  I am ignoring too many of them and sitting on the sidelines too much.  I want to get out there and live my life to the fullest while I still can.  I know I will be away from my kids from time to time, but I am confident that I have raised them to be independent and competent enough to do fine without me for a few days at a stretch.  I know that I will also be able to be more plugged in when I am here.  I am excited and fearful and breathless about this new way of being in the world.  It is very different than what I am used to and this degree of “daring,” which may seem slight and ordinary to some people, is totally new for me.  Hmmm.  Daring is one letter away from “darling.”  Ha ha.

The limitations I have run up against in the past were mostly in me and mostly paper dragons that had no substance.  They were excuses to sit back and be miserable rather than take a chance and engage the world for all it’s worth.  They were masks to cover how afraid I was to participate.  I feel liberated, not limited.  Granted, we still have our apparently life long companion, money issues, but I can work around that.  I always find a way.

I left home in 1978 and have been married and/or taking care of children ever since.  I got used to living life in a certain way and it took a lot to shake me out of that and see the world with new eyes.  I am very grateful for that opportunity and for a husband who supports that.  It isn’t all about traveling.  It’s about mowing the yard in the sun instead of sitting on the couch and eating.  It’s about going to the ladies’ luncheon here in Grizzly Flats that I’ve been invited to for six years and have never once attended.  It’s about doing and being more than I currently am.

This epiphany has changed who I am.  I am not yet completely sure how, but it has.  For that, I am truly grateful.  :)