I am not in any danger of giving up the task by any means, but this is so tremendously frustrating. After a work week of diet and exercise, I weigh exactly the same and I think my belly is actually bigger (pants fitting oddly). Normally, when I start a diet and exercise program, I lose 2-3 pounds right away and then a couple more the following week, then I plateau. This time, I evidently have plateaued before I ever even got started.
Since I have been actually doing the things necessary to lose this weight, I have had to reconsider my original assessment of being apathetic. It really isn’t that I don’t care if I lose the weight or not, but more that I am completely unmotivated to do the things that will cause the weight loss to happen. In my whole life, which has involved various levels of exercise dedication and intensity, I have never felt the “high” from exercising. It was always just work with different degrees of success. From an early age, I was taught to nurture and heal myself with food and I still do that to the extreme. Although I did not really admit it to anyone, during this last time of financial crisis, I really relied on food to keep me comforted. As recently as Sunday, I was eating all the time, all day long. I would eat after I knew fully well I was no longer hungry. I wasn’t eating for recreation; I was hungry all the time. I was hungry while I was eating and I was hungry immediately after eating. It was as though my shut off button was jammed or something.
My horoscope for today said:
Monday, Oct 27th, 2008 – You feel somewhat fragmented today as the strong wills of optimistic Jupiter and pessimistic Saturn are being pushed and pulled by energetic Mars. You intuitively know now that whatever you begin will be brought to fruition as a reward for your hard work. There’s much to do and there’s no better time to get started.
I wish I could say that my intuition was screaming some kind of success mantra, but right now, it’s just resolved and resigned. I started the full process today. It seemed as good a day as any. As Dr. Phil says, “If not now, when?” When could be next week with lots and lots of comfort eating in the interim, I’m thinking.
But no. I exercised today, Bob Harper & the Biggest Loser Workout #1 – cardio, and it did not completely kill me. I was able to do all of it, which surprised me since I have not had a complete workout more than 2-3 times since the end of May. A lot of it burned and I didn’t think I was going to make it through, but I did. It was a lot longer than I remembered.
I have carefully watched what I’ve eaten today and I guess that and the fact that I exercised means I’m officially “trying” again. I do not hold any aspirations for success after such a long line of failures. In fact, I’m rather bored with the whole process, which could help me or hurt me. I feel completely detached from it, as though I am going through the motions with no investment in the outcome.
Part of me wishes I had the big push, the excitement, the conviction, the resolution, the optimism… I just don’t. That doesn’t mean I can’t do it and who knows? Maybe that in and of itself will be the key.
One day almost down. Many more to go.
…or still, as the case might be. I was originally going to “plant” weight loss this year, which means I would have theoretically been harvesting a svelte new body round about now. I planted health, joy, money and peace instead. I have all of those things now, but I’m still fat. I almost typed “regrettably” fat, but I am not sure I do have those regrets. I have realized, however, that my biggest obstacle to weight loss is that I just don’t much care. My health is great; better than it has been in absolutely ages. I feel wonderful, truthfully: grounded, clear, sleeping well. I think part of that is from the PremPro reaching therapeutic value, but I think my Harvest kicked in big time.