Do I Look Fat In This?

By week 12, I had lost 54 pounds and I was noticing much less aching in my joints and I was sleeping longer. For many years, my sleeping had been a huge issue and I could not tell you the last time I was not in pain. As I continued to read, I began to understand that the raw chocolate contained natural chemicals that helped the human body reduce inflammation throughout. Inflammation is the root cause for much of the discomfort many people live with everyday. But it goes much deeper than just joint pain… Inflammation also affects the heart, hypertension, lungs and almost every organ of the body.

I began to talk to other people who were consuming these products on a regular basis and the stories were astounding. People were getting completely off their insulin shots, getting completely off their blood pressure medicine and getting off of there Cox 2 inhibitors… People were being healed instead of taking meds that treated their symptoms. The human body appears to have amazing healing abilities if we put in the right fuel. Raw chocolate is the right fuel to start. When you add enough water and stay off the processed foods and chemicals your body begins to function and function well.

Now don’t get me wrong here, I am by no means advocating a diet so rigid a busy person can not stay on it… I am merely suggesting that you hesitate 10 seconds before you put “it” in your mouth and ask yourself what is in this food?  I no longer allow myself to eat what is being hyped on TV. Usually if food companies are spending money advertising, the product is bad for you. (personal research) Keeping the antioxidant level high in my blood stream has reduced my appetite for carbs. With that insatiable appetite in check, I am able to make good decisions about food at every meal.

As I mentioned earlier, I was taking 10 to 20 Advil everyday, everyday for twenty years… My kidneys were beginning to lose their ability to filter (Creatinine levels were getting extremely low) the kidney situation was directly related to the ibuprofen consumption.

I went back to the doctor in March of 2009. I had been on the chocolate for 6 months and I had been pretty much off the processed food for 5 months. I weighed and had lost 70 pounds. Oh My God!!!!! Are you kidding me??? My doctor had never seen me below 340 pounds and I weighed 306!!!! I had blood work done again to track any changes and scheduled a return visit. Three days later, I went back to the Doctor’s office to talk about the blood work results. Doc came in the room and sat down… He never sits down. We went through the blood work results and they were as he put it “clinically remarkable”. My numbers were so improved that Doc said that he thought there may have been a mix up at the lab… (Doc in denial).  He asked me what I was doing to make such a major change in my life. I told him “raw chocolate” everyday. This time he didn’t laugh, he ordered chocolate for himself and his sister. How funny is that? Both are still eating the chocolate everyday and both are singing its praises.

You may have noticed that to this point I have not mentioned anything about exercise. The truth is I had not done anything towards that end because I was afraid. Afraid I would injure myself and that would derail my weight loss efforts. Imagine, you have so big for so long that you are worried walking for exercise will cause you harm… Sad…

As much as I would like to fast forward to the present and tell you this is easy I cannot. The daily grind of this life change is the beauty. The “get up every morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself the truth about what is necessary to become healthy” grind.

• Live Strong, Dick

[Note:  Dick's story begins in two previous posts below.  Scroll down to find them.]

I have been blessed with so many good things in my life. Hard work and luck and perhaps Divine intervention have added up to a pretty good ride when my battle with weight is subtracted from the equation.

So at 48 years old, I am surrounded with all the things a man could yearn for but I was approaching the point that none of these blessings maintained their inherent value. I had eaten my way to edge of oblivion…

On October 12^th, 2008 I began to eat this so called Healthy Chocolate and for some unknown reason I ate the chocolate just as I was directed my dear old mom.  I bought 2 months worth and thought “what the hey” might as well eat it. I ate 4 pieces a day and began to consume water at an increased rate. By day 6 my lovely bride asked me if I was feeling alright to which I replied. “I am just fine, dear.”

By day 10, my bride asked me again if I was feeling alright to which I replied, “I fine and why are you asking me that question?” She said, “Dick you are not eating near as much food as you usually eat.” She went on to say, that through all the years she had known me there had been one thing that held true… my appetite…. and from her point of view I was just simply not eating like normal.  So, I dismissed her claim and went to bed per the normal. When I got up the next morning I thought about what she had said so I got on the scale. I had weighed the 12^th and it was 376. Special scales for fat people… $200 dollars… and in like new condition because I had only stepped on them a couple of time in 5 years. Day 11 my weight was 368… 8 pounds in 11 days. Hmmm? I felt fine, didn’t realize I had changed anything but I had lost 8 pounds.

I went to my primary care physician that afternoon and used their scale and my weight was confirmed… 368. So I got excited!!!

By the way, if you want to look at the products from company please to www.cocoxo.net . Look on “my links” ( all kinds of info) and you will be able to learn about the company and the products! This chocolate is a little expensive but when I looked at all the fast food I was no longer eating and all the “crap” I was no longer buying the cost factor went down significantly. I ordered 3 more months worth and started to get excited about the possibilities.

I began to realize I really was eating less and I felt great. I started (involuntarily) cutting back on carbs because I just simply did not crave carbs. I accomplished this by eating lean meat and lots of greens. Over the next 6 weeks my diet consisted of nothing out of a box or a bag and I spent a lot of time shopping for the right food and getting all the processed foods out of my diet. I left off things like pizza, Doritos, cheeseburgers and ice cream… and replaced it with romaine lettuce, blue cheese and bacon salads, with small steaks, fried chicken with skin on but no flour with spinach and cream cheese and chocolate, chocolate and chocolate. I would have some walnuts, almonds and Macadamia nuts and lots of water. As I continued on this pattern I stayed satisfied and by the end of the 8^th week I had lost 44 pounds!!!

I went back to the doctor and when I weighed he said do you realize you have lost 44 pounds? And he asked how are you doing it? I replied I am eating raw chocolate everyday! He laughed at me so I didn’t persist. I left his office with a huge warm fuzzy… with HOPE!!! Let’s face it, I had lost 44 pounds, but I was still a massive human being… But my size 54 pants were now 48’s and that was real progress. And I had done this right through the holidays… WOW!

I stayed at it, I mean I ate the chocolate every day 4 times a, I drank water, I ate greens and lean meat and my body continued to change.

• Live Strong,
  Dick

A little history… I was raised by a mother and father who were raised in the mountains of eastern Kentucky in the 1930’s and 40’s. They were taught to eat lard and flour at every meal. Anything else was a bonus. 

I mean think about it…biscuits and gravy for breakfast, pork fat and biscuits for lunch and of course whatever was in season (deer, squirrel, rabbit) for dinner with biscuits and gravy. Sunday there was usually fried chicken involved and yup, biscuits and gravy. Every meal was a gift and you had better eat every bite regardless of the taste… add lard or flour to taste. So, as I grew up I was shown the diet that my parents knew… both parents were over weight…shock, shock. This situation was further complicated by the “fast food” explosion. I, like 90% of America was all in on the McDonald’s train wreck.

I was very athletic in high school and had several offers to play college baseball and football but I went into the family business, coal mining. So I managed to keep my weight tolerable (250-275) until my mid twenties. That was my first significant orthopedic surgery…we’ll get back to that… My diet was so bad that even in the military I managed to find the wrong foods in 30 different countries. Seriously, countries full of skinny people and I managed to gain weight.

The coal mines played out and I joined the Navy. Much of the physical labor I was doing in the mines went away with the pickax. My job in the Navy was hi tech so there was a lot of sitting involved. I did the mandatory physical training while in the military but there was no nutrition police so it was a food celebration every day. I mean, free food 4 times a day c’mon, add lard and flour and military food isn’t too bad. Okay, you get the drift.

Now in my late twenties I went through 4 serious orthopedic surgeries (Achilles reconstruction, both AC joints removed, and heel bone arch reattachment) due to my body failing under athletic stress. Looking back I understand why I had so many injuries. I was entirely too fat to be playing ball, period. So I got on the couch and continued to eat the food that brought me so much comfort, the food that took me back home, the food that was cheap and always available… lard and flour. Only by now high fructose corn syrup had been added to make everything taste better!!!!!

This goes on for twenty years and we are now back to the 48 year old, 376 pound, scared to death individual who had absolutely no hope.

Hope arrives…

I lost three of the pounds I regained during my “time off” and I am confident that the rest will come off this week and next.  Due to a number of (legitimate) factors, I was not able to exercise this week as I’d hoped, but I am again determined to get back in the groove of that again.

I did do the “kitchen sink” strength exercises a friend recommended to me.  Standing at your kitchen sink with your feet back away from the sink and your hands resting on the edge, you do slooooooow push ups against the edge, really taking your time to get there and back.

Then you do kitchen sink squats, holding onto the edge for support and eeeeeasing down so slowly and then moving up very slowly.  You do a set of 12 of each of those 3 times a day.  You will be sore if you do them right.  Oh yes.  You will be sore.

The eating is going well overall.  I am mostly having lean proteins on those whole wheat sandwich thins that I love, fruit and salad, with a bit of potatoes thrown in from time to time.  Portion control is still a priority.

The kids and I are watching the new season of Biggest Loser together and enjoying it.  I like bringing them into my weight loss and letting them see what a struggle it can be, but that it’s possible to success  with dedication.

Take care, folks!  More later!

Folks, I want to share with you my friend Dick’s story.  He and I went to high school together and he has been on his own weight management journey.  Having just seen Dick in October, I want to say that he looks AMAZING.

Here’s what Dick has to say:

Hey Katrina! Dick M. here from central Kentucky.

Well it has happened: the Christmas Season has passed and many of us are facing the demons that we manage to leave behind (Ignore) for the holidays. Many of us managed to gain a few pounds during December.  And like me, a lot of us were already in desperate need of some sort of sensible controls to helps us make day to day decisions that bring better us health.

I want to share with you my journey over the last couple of years if I may.

I am 50 years old and I have been over weight most of my life. In October 2008 I was 6 foot 4 inches tall and weighed 376 pounds. I had been on the couch for ten years and was taking massive amounts of pain pills and Advil just to get through each and every work day. At 48 years old I was not sure I would make it to age 55 and to be honest  I was pretty sure if I made it to 55 I would probably be crippled or have zero quality of life. Hope was pretty much gone from my day to day thinking.

There have always been a million reasons why I was so large… family history, stationary life style due to athletic injuries, parents taught me to eat the worst foods on earth… yadda, yadda.

The bottom line is that I had never taken personal responsibility for my health.

In October of 2008 I was introduced to a product called “Healthy Chocolate” raw unprocessed chocolate that is life changing super nutrition for almost everyone on earth when consumed on a regular basis.  Of course I laughed at the very notion of “Healthy Chocolate” and pretty much dismissed it as another scam. But the person that introduced me to the products was my mother and she made a very compelling case for me to at least try the products for a couple of months.

So, I bought two months worth of this “Healthy Chocolate” and began to read about the “ORAC” phenomena. My initial research turned up some very interesting information form many credible medical and education institutions. I found some amazing research results in the National Institutes of Health archives (nih.org) and at Brunswick Labs. I was feeling some relief from my severe Osteoarthritis pain within two weeks of starting the Healthy  Chocolate. I had stopped drinking diet soda (unexplainable at this point) and I had lost 16 pounds in three weeks.

So, I began to dig deeper… well past the first page of a Goggle search.

I being very independent all my life and never being much of a joiner decided to sign up with this company so I could buy the Healthy Chocolate wholesale.

That makes two things I actually belong to… Sam’s Club is the other.

Please let me know if I need to continue. I do not want to bore your readers but I am willing to share an incredible story that could help many people.

Live Strong, Dick

November sailed with continued success, creeping ever closer to another milestone with the hope of never seeing those numbers again once in the rear view mirror.  Even Thanksgiving was easy, keeping careful track of portions and making good choices.

Then came December, cursed month of failure and misery.  It was the worst month emotionally that I have had in forever.  Admittedly and thankfully, no one close to me died or was injured, so there’s that.  Still, wow, what a mountain that beast was to climb.  I’ll save my serial bitching for the journal and stick to the weight related issues here and yes, I do hear all of you sighing happily in relief over dodging THAT bullet.

I exercised maybe 8-10 times between the end of November and now.  Even though that was not a particularly magnanimous contribution to success, it was something and I do shudder to think how things would have gone without that effort.  A Series of Unfortunate Events (capital letters warranted) left me totally bereft and curled up into an ever growing, sniveling mass of comfort eating goo by the time January rolled around.

I estimate that I’ve gained back around 8 pounds or so of what I lost.  Probably 6 of those came from the incredibly impressive flauta binge in which I ate twelve or so of the buggers in a 24 hour period.  Cookies, candy, cookies, real soft drinks and lots of other food married up to the lack of exercising to whittle away quickly at my previous progress.  As I (quickly) sank lower and lower into serious depression, I was comfort eating more and more to the point that I become increasingly uncomfortable if I wasn’t eating at any given time.  Hand-mouth was ongoing.

As the crest of January hit, the fog cleared and I began to feel much more grounded and *back.*  December was like some bizarre, magic mystery tour that sailed me down the River Styx into the Underworld to visit every dark place I’ve ever known.  There were good things and I do not care to minimize those, but wow, the darkness was impressive to the point of almost obscuring them.

Like that same magic, January brought a wave of new hope, new life and a breath of fresh air as the whole New Year’s celebrating world let go of the oppression of 2009 and greeted 2010 with a near desperate anticipation.  I just rode the wave that was already there.

I am still not exercising.  That begins on Monday when the kids finally go back to school.  Three weeks of Winter Break is just too damned long.  This week has been a focus on returning to disciplined eating in terms of frequency, content and portions.  I started taking my Mila again and the taste means success to me, so that was very nice.

I am still primarily using The Zone diet because it gives me the best results and seems to agree with my system well.  The emphasis is on lean proteins and low glycemic index foods.  No potatoes or white bread or refined sugar products.   The feeling of groundedness begins almost immediately.  Water intake suffered greatly and I am working on that as well.

A friend of mine was kind enough to give me the EA Sports Active More Workouts program for the Wii for Christmas and I enjoy it very much.  The response time is far superior than the first version of this game, although be sure to know that these are all new exercises and routines and none of the ones from the first edition are included.  I plan to use those two as my primary work out focus.

At some point, I got the Biggest Loser work out for the Wii and I was completely disappointed.  It is very thrown together and my high hopes for it were for naught.

Speaking of the Biggest Loser, their season premier is tonight and most of the house is eager for it.  For some reason I cannot fathom, Dylan and Delena started watching the show with me last season and got hooked, so the three of us will be gathered around the TV tomorrow morning (I work tonight during the actual airing) to dive into another season.

I feel the weight I have gained will leave quickly.  I have gotten to know my body very well over the past years of concerted struggle with weight loss (as opposed to my previous half-assed struggle) and I know that new weight does not sit comfortably on me and leaves quickly.  I’ll give it 2 weeks at the very most.

I found a wonderful article on sagging skin that impressed me tremendously and gave me great hope, mostly because it blended well with my own experience and what I have learned over time.  It is here.  I am debating ordering this guy’s e-book, but $21 just seems pricey to me.

My daughter-in-law, Valerie, looked wonderful at Christmas.  She had gastric bypass surgery in March and has lost easily over 100 pounds since then.  She and I started out at around the same weight.  She has not exercised much during her process, but her job is such that she is on her feet almost nonstop.  She looks like a teenager now.  Eric was commenting on how little loose skin she has on her arms and face and he’s right.  She looks great.  It’s odd to suddenly see almost half of the person who was there before.  She is 27 and I am 48 (plus I’ve had twice as many babies as she has with 6 to my credit), so I don’t expect miracles, but it is encouraging, even though weight loss surgery is not an option for me.

I had a bit of a smile recently.  I’m in a strange “in between” size where 20-22 pants are way too big, but 18-20’s are a little too snug for good comfort.  I decided to get some sweat pants since they are only $6 at Wal*Mart and since I rarely go any place where real humans see me anyway.  I thought a couple pair of those would get me through my current awkward stage at a minimal expense.  The conflict came in what size to get.  I didn’t feel I would be in 2X for much longer, but couldn’t remember the last time I bought just XL.  This time I did, got home and wow!  They fit and were almost too big!  God bless generously sized sweats!

For those who do not know, the sizes past XL and into numbered sizes (2X, 3X, etc) are when the fashion (and I use the word so loosely it rattles) industry begins to charge you extra for the additional fabric used to make clothing to encompass your abundant girth.  XL qualifies as almost normal sized folk.

Granted, I am not foolish enough to believe I could walk into any store and grab and XL, slide into it and look like it thinks about fitting me, but hey, in the $6 sweat pants section of the Placerville, California Wal*Mart, I wear a size XL.  That’s something like “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.”

For the foreseeable future, long sleeved t-shirts, my black sweater and $6 sweat pant are my “uniform.”  I might actually strip everything else out of my closet and call it good.  ”And she looked upon her closet of $6 sweat pants and long sleeved t-shirts and saw that it was good.”

The sweater is because we fat people often have  no clue how much that fat insulates us and since I had my initial weight loss from earlier in the year, I tend to be cold all the time.  By the time I’m finished with this, the firmness of my body will likely be caused by the fact that my bones and muscles have all turned to solid ice.

Meh, who cares.

Hello Friends!

It has been a long time since I updated this journal and in the past, that would mean that I have made the long walk of shame back after having failed miserably yet again.

I can’t say that is the case this time.  It has truly been a lack of opportunity and also being on an amazing journey through the successes of incredible people in my life.  As many of you know from my other online journal, I have recently had a breath-taking experience in returning home to my roots in Kentucky.  It was life altering in many ways, but one aspect of the trip that I did not include in that recap is the fact that it was also the next step in my weight loss progress.

I have maintained my weight loss for about a month now with no additional pounds slipping away.  I have been working on on a daily basis, or at least I was until I went away for nearly a week.  Since I came back, I have only exercised once and that was an hour of yoga to strengthen me up and stretch me out a bit.  I was thrilled to see how far I have progressed since I have not done the Suzanne Deason routine in months and have only relied on the Wii Fit Plus individual poses, primarily working with those that are strength-based rather than balance or stretching.

I did not work out while I was away (altough I did valiantly include my gym shoes and work out clothes when packing).  Time was just too short.

Since I got back a week ago, I have been trying to settle back into a routine and I am still working on that.  My body misses exercise and I will excitedly give it what it wants very soon.  For now, I’m still processing.

That’s not a handy excuse, but a bona fied reason.

While I was away, I spent time with two remarkable men (we should all be so lucky, I know) who have each had profound success with weight loss and fitness.  Both were approaching 50-years-old when they made their changes.  Both lost significant weight and increased their physical fitness levels dramatically.  Both were having considerable health and comfort issues as the result of their obesity.

I have invited each of them to share their stories here so you can read them as well and my hope is that they will be willing to do so.  Although they were not in contact with one another, both worked from the basic premise of “The Zone” diet of monitoring the glycemic indices of the foods they ate with a focus on lean proteins and whole fruits and vegetables.  Both men looked amazing.  Both men looked so joyful and at peace.  It was an honor to know them, much less learn from them.

This was sent to me as a sacred gift and I am so grateful.  While I was in Kentucky, I made a point – even though I was on vacation – to tighten up my “Zone” eating and found it extremely easy to do so even while eating out.  I ate often, but small servings just as I do at home.  I relied less on carbohydrates to give me energy and more on salads and proteins.  It was easy to find foods to fit into my eating plan since we did a lot of buffets. 

If you are interested in checking out The Zone diet by Dr. Barry Sears, the book to read is “Mastering The Zone,” not the first one.  Dr. Sears himself states that his research was still developing when he wrote his first book and that Mastering is the one to use.  I got the book in hard cover for $5 (including postage) via half.com.  Amazon Marketplace also has it cheaply.

Although I am blessed with ongoing guidance in my journey back to health, I feel this is likely a nutritional plan that is going to stick with me.  It is comfortable, does not feel restrictive and produces good results.

I lost a few pounds while on vacation (how often can we say that), but have not followed the diet as closely as I should since I returned due to some comfort eating over missing the people I love back home.  It has not been extreme and no ground as been lost, but none has been gained either.

I am confident that the resumption of exercise, the finalization of my period and the return to reducing eating will start the process again.  One of the gentlemen, Rick, told me something that meant a lot to me, even though it should be common sense.  He pointed out that our bodies need time to be in maintenance and get used to our new weight before moving on to lose more.  During the “plateaus,” we continue eating well and trust that when ready, our bodies will begin to release fat again.  If it goes longer than 3 weeks, we step up our game.  Otherwise, we just trust that our bodies know what to do and when.  His 125 pound weight loss took place over 3 years and several plateaus taught him this premise.

Since he’s where I want to be, I am listening.

There have been many exciting moments for me.  Of course, it was great for my family to tell me how good I looked compared to 6 years ago when they last saw me.  When I was dressing for Halloween, it was nice to see how many of my Queenly outfits were just too big for me now.  While on the airplane to go to Los Angeles in July, the short flight was extremely uncomfortable because my vanity would not allow for me to ask for an extender for the seatbelt and as a result, I could barely breathe.  This time, I could actually pull a few inches past the loosest setting to have it fit comfortably. 

Just before I left for Kentucky, I was in Wal*Mart and saw a pair of nice pumps that were marked down and remembered how much I used to enjoy wearing pretty shoes instead of functional shoes.  I wondered whether or not I’d lost enough to dare to even try on heels again.   These were only a couple of inches, but balancing so much weight on even that much of a heel had been impossible in July and resulted in extreme foot and back pain for me.  I slipped them on and surprisingly, felt OK.  Walked around a bit.  Felt OK.  Hmmm.

Yes, I bought those puppies, wore them most successfully and damn if they didn’t put a happy stride in my step!  I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of that one pair of shoes because they gave me exactly what I needed right when I needed it.  Had I not lost that 40 pounds and been willing to step out of what I knew to be true (“I can’t wear heels”), I never would have gotten that little ego boost of experience to know how far I’ve come.

This coupled with the grand gift from the Universe of sending me these glowing examples of success leave me completely determined to go the distance and find complete success.  I’ve lost 1/4 of the weigh I wanted to lose and I am so excited to be involved in the process.

Hello Everyone!  I am pleased to report that while I have had no positive weight reduction in the past couple of weeks, I have also had no weight gain, so I am at a pause in activity.  This is because of my birthday, (48!!) which was on September 5th.  For that weekend, I let myself eat whatever I wanted and I could feel that I ate well beyond being full just because I was choosing really decadently delicious foods.

So here we are at the 17th, almost 2 weeks past that, and I am coming it at around 1300 calories a day.  This tells me that 1200-1300 calories is going to be my maintenance level for the foreseeable future and that 1000 or so is when I start losing weight effectively.  This is also without any respectable exercise going on.  I expect I could eat 1200-1300 and lose weight if I exercised several days a week.   I am still trying to find my stride with the work schedule and once I get into a good flow with that, I’ll start delving into the exercise again.

Meanwhile, I am maintaining and easing my calories back down into the 1000 per day rage again to start the weight loss.  What’s great about that is that by fully reducing calories for a month (as I did before) and then going to mainenance for 2 weeks, it keeps my metabolism guessing instead of falling into one particular level and getting comfortable there.

I do wish I could be like Carolyn and jet off to the gym (it’s a 45 minute drive one way from here to a gym if I even could afford one right now) and burn 7000 calories a day with spin class and free weights, but unfortunately, geography, finances and work schedules just do not allow for it.  I did so much better when we lived on the military base and had total access to the (wonderfully furnished) gym there.  That was long ago and far away.  There is something so deliberate and reliable about actually going to the gym versus getting up and walking across the room and putting in a DVD or getting on the equipment here.  At the gym, you know you won’t be interrupted and can totally focus.  Plus, you’re there for one reason and that makes it easier for me to get into what I’m doing.  I miss racquetball with Eric, the Nautilus machines and the state of the art treadmills.  

As it stands now, the majority of my waking hours are spent leashed to the phone waiting for clients to phone.  I sign off just before the kids get home from school, then it’s time to monitor homework, hear about their days, start dinner, do other mom things and then get them settled for the evening before signing back onto work again until 11pm or midnight or so.  Mornings are spent getting kids ready and on the bus, then I either nap for a couple of hours or sign right onto work again if I am not completely blasted tired.  Weekends involve running errands or taking calls up in my bedroom where Eric ran another phone line.

As our finances get worked out, I will be working fewer hours (only 30 a week are required of me by the company) and I will be able to have greater flexibility.  My first step will be to cut into an hour of either work or sleeping (Both necessary at this moment in time) and use that for exercising.

Even though I had ambitiously anticipated greater progress by this time, I am thrilled with the 35 pounds that I am currently down from when I started this journey in the spring.  I initially lost 30, then fell off the wagon and gained back a good bit, then lost 12 pounds within the past 6 weeks.  As long as the overall trend is toward loss and not gain, I’m happy.  That means I will get there eventually.

One thing I have noticed with the super reduced calories is that I really depend on protein for my grounding.  In a day where the protein is a little more absent, I can really feel the difference in my system.  Same with fresh green veggies.  We were out for a few days and I tried to substitute what I had, which was canned green beans and it was worthless.  I only go to town for groceries once a week and it is a challenge to keep them fresh for that long, then if time or finances stretch it out even further, there can definitely be a draught.  I tried the green bags and was not impressed at all.  

The up side of this is that I love feeling in tune with my body and being able to interpret what it needs.  Those messages are so much more clear when I’m not eating chips, candy, cookies and such.  Something about the “bad” foods seems to jam my spirit-mind-body messages.  

My family has never once complained about the lack of junk food in the house or the changes that are in our daily meals.  I made biscuits (a favorite food of theirs) for the first time in about 6 weeks a couple of nights ago and they were really excited to see them, but didn’t say anything about their long absence.  We have potatoes around 1-2 times a week now instead of almost every meal.  I only buy ice cream once a month instead of always having a supply on hand.  I used to always have a plate of homemade chocolate chip cookies on the back of the stove and that is also now down to around once a month.  They have been so patient with me and supportive and loving about what I am doing.  The other day, Nathan came in and gave me a hug and gasped, “MOM! I can reach all the way around you now and hold my own hand!”  :)

Even Eric, the hard sell, has had some wonderful things to say as well, which is very nice.  He often tells me how proud he is of me, but a few days ago, we were outside and he gave me a hug and said, “HONEY!  I can really feel a difference!  You look… top heavy!”  That’s a compliment from him.  I have never been married to men to tell me I’m pretty or beautiful or cute.  The best I get is, “That looks nice on you” or sometimes, Eric will tell me that I look “cuddly.”  I have yet to completely discern exactly what that means, but I’ll take it.

It’s just not their way or I don’t inspire that in men or something.  We all have our blessings in life, but that particular one has never been one of mine.  Fortunately, my ego is far too inflated to be affected much by it.

I watched the season premier of “The Biggest Loser” this week with Delena and we were both a little taken aback by what assholes Jillian and Bob are now.  I’m not sure if the show is taking a turn in atmosphere or if they have become more embittered as the years have gone on or if it’s because they have much larger people on the show now as contestants than they used to, but the whole tone seems a lot more negative than it used to.  I will still watch because I find it incredibly inspirational to see what the human body is capable of doing with such extreme focus and because I am genuinely happy to see the successes of the contestants and to know that there are people out there in the world who are really working aggressively to change their lives in a positive way.  It gives me tremendous hope for our flailing critical mass that seems so determined to fall over into complete depravity.

One of the greatest helping hands I’ve given to the process of weight loss is to cut away from my life the activities that made me feel resentful, used and unhappy.  I am fortunate to be in a position to do that and doing a full scale clean on the influences and activities in my immediate life has been an amazingly clarifying experience.  I feel cleaner and happier and more in touch with my own empowerment and with Spirit.  

I am going to, by request, be posting a sample menu or two of what I eat in a day since several people have asked.  When I first started eating this way, it was difficult for 2-3 days, but then my body adapted to what I was giving it and is satisfied with the smaller amounts.  It will be listed in the section to the right just under the “about katrina” link.

Thanks for being here and take care.

Finally, finally, oh finally I feel victory within my grasp on this whole weight loss/fitness mess.  I can’t even count how many years I’ve been fooling with it, how many years it has been critical, how many times I have failed.  This time is it.  I can just feel it in my bones.  I can actually feel my bones, which is nice too!

I am still eating 1000 calories or less a day.  My body has been satisfied overall on the reduced intake and I don’t have any cravings, especially when I take the Mila as well.  My portions are teeny tiny, like a toddler serving size.  I never imagined I would be satisfied on so little, but I have really been able to see how much I was eating out of habit, how much I was eating to comfort myself and how long I would eat once I actually had taken in enough to meet my needs.  I felt bad one day last week, I can’t remember when, because I got up to 1080 calories.  I tallied up my afternoon’s count after dinner and almost cried.  I’d been doing so well!  I realized quickly how dumb it was to get worked up over 80 calories, so I just kept my intake to 900 calories the next day.  I figured it was like storing up weigh watcher points.

This week is exercise week.  Since I have managed the diet part of the process, I knew it was time to get moving again.  I considered the myriad of options I had right here in my own house and knew that the best results I’d ever had came from the “Extreme Makeover Fitness” DVD.  I started it again yesterday and it absolutely kicked my complete ass.  It is divided up into several work outs, including both strength and cardio for different areas of the body.  You can also select the “Best Results Workout,” which is a preset fitness plan for each day of the week to make sure you get a total body work out all week long.  That’s what I am doing.  Monday is around 45 minutes long and today was 38 or so minutes.  My arms were sore yesterday from an upper body toning session included in the work out and today’s soreness is in the abs, which is really good.

I was surprised by how little progress I lost and how I was able to stay right with the work out and not modify or take a break.  I was absolutely pouring sweat.  I remember, several years ago, typing that no matter how hard I work out, I never sweat.  Well ha ha.  My body sure remembered how to sweat with a little encouragement!  My biggest loss has been on core strength and my balance is not as good as it was, but I know that will come back quickly.

I lost another pound, which brings me up to 7 pounds lost in 9 days.  I don’t expect to continue that degree of weight loss since I was on my period when I started and holding some water weight and because I always tend to start out strong and then level off.  Meanwhile, I am grateful to have a good head start on the process.

This is the best launch I have ever had to a weight loss attempt and I am excited to see where I am going to be by November 1st.  I can already feel incredible changes in my body, both systemically and in shape.  Eric has commented on how different I feel when he hugs me.  I am absolutely breathless that this is actually, finally happening.

I still take the Mila every day.  On low energy days like today (very little sleep), I also take EmergenC and a good dose of B-12, along with my PremPro. 

I can absolutely feel the success in this.  I can do it, I am doing it, it is so.

I can honestly say that as difficult as this journey is – and it is such a challenge sometimes – I really do love the experience.  It is teaching me so much, not just about nutrition, diet, exercise and will power, but also about myself, my body and my own strengths and weaknesses.  I keep wanting to approach this in different ways, but always with the same result/outcome in mind of getting through it and being done with anything but maintenance.  Maintenance is something I don’t worry much about because I have done it before very successfully and things only began to get out of hand when I was enormously unhappy, distracted and rendered into a complete state of zero self esteem.  I don’t see that happening (knock on wood) for a long, long time if at all, so that part just really doesn’t concern me.   It’s the now part of getting to the maintenance process that is so daunting.

I do try a lot of different tactics and tools on this journey, partly because I get very bored with using the same things over and over and also to learn what works and what doesn’t.  Of course, anything that gets you moving and helps you eat less works.  Anything that makes you feel terrible and is more challenging than what you are willing to invest doesn’t.  I was speaking with Carolyn today about thermogenic supplements – those that work by speeding up your metabolism so that you burn fat faster and better.  They do work; really great for some people even.  For me, they give me palpitations and make me feel all shaky and weird and spun out.  Some, like Slim Quick, make me really, really angry all of the time.  I’m not talking about irritable.  I’m talking ragey.  

As I’ve mentioned in my other journal, I am a downer girl and anything that is a stimulant I have to be very careful about.  Even caffeine will make me feel very uncomfortable if I don’t have it in moderation.  If I drink a Coke after 3pm or so, I won’t normally sleep well, even if I got to sleep at 9-10pm.  

The Mila still works great for me, so that is one supplement I try to take every single day.  By around 1-2pm, I can really start to feel the lack if I didn’t take it that morning.  I don’t feel as though my body is working as well as it normally does and my insides feel kind of polluted and contaminated.  I also start to have sugar cravings.  

I have not given the Mila its due lately.  I have to work hard to eat more than I should when I am taking it, but I do manage to do so, just for the comfort of the food.  This has been a very trying time with Eric out of work and me starting work and all of the changes that are going on, plus trying to keep up with the necessary bills and expenses.  I realized that I had put on 5 pounds or so of the 30 I lost in the spring and early summer and I flew into a panic.  I sat down and did an analysis of what had caused it.  

Surprise!  It was from eating more than I should and from not exercising.  I knew I had to take immediate action and I knew that this set back was a sign that it was time for me to let go of the break I had given myself from hard core work on the weight loss and to get back into action again.  I appreciate the break I had, but now I have to get back on the ball again.

Starting on Saturday, I tackled the diet in a very extreme way, at least for me.  It was the worst possible day to start because I was only a couple of days away from my period beginning, which is always when I want to eat the whole world with sugar on top and a side of corn chips.  Also, Josh was visiting with Valerie and the grandkids and so we were cooking all kinds of great food.  I made mashed golden potatoes and loaded potato skins, a giant salad, cut up watermelon and cantaloupe and Eric grilled thick hamburgers and big ham steaks.  The night before, I made lasagna with meat sauce and homemade white bread.  

I started the process a bit on Friday night by having  just a half of a piece of white bread with a little butter, a large salad (no dressing) and one small square of lasagna for dinner.  I was still hungry, but I thought, “Nope.  You get to wear that hunger a bit to see how it feels.” 

Starting Saturday, I put myself on an extremely low calorie, but balanced, diet, especially for a person of my size.  Of all of that wonderful food, I had another half piece of homemade bread with a tiny bit of butter, a quarter cup of mashed potatoes and a 2 oz portion of lean, grilled ham, plus a good bit of salad and melon through the day.  

Each day, I log in every morsel that I eat at www.fitday.com (I actually have the downloadable version from years and years ago) and absolutely refuse to allow myself to go over 1000 calories a day.  I can have no sweets at all.  The closest I get is a small glass of grape juice at night.  I eat teeny, tiny portions.  I scatter my intake of food throughout the day, just tiny bits here and there, always going into the food log and never, ever, ever cheating.

I limit myself to no more than one diet soda a day – very early in the morning – and the rest of the day, I drink water, very lightly steeped iced tea or that valued glass of grape juice in the evening (4-6 oz).  I have a 4 oz glass of chocolate milk with my Mila.  

I sometimes will add a second scoop of Mila with my lunch if I am feeling particularly challenged.  That has only had to happen once, on Monday.  Certainly, I am hungry and I can feel my stomach contracting and reacting and complaining about the lack of continuous feeding.  Although I still was keeping my calories at 1500-1800 a day, that was sufficient for me to begin gaining a half pound here and there and it adds up.

Everything I have read about healthy dieting warns against a calorie restriction that is this low and I do acknowledge and agree with this to a certain extent.  The primary purpose of this is to hit my reset button and shake up my metabolism a bit.  It is also to prove to myself that I am able to control my comfort eating and work past some unhealthy indulgences to get to a good place again in regard to my eating.  The Mila is also a very profoundly healthy supplement with loads of vitamins and fiber, so that offsets a good bit of the reduced food intake.

I do not expect to stay at this level of nutritional restriction for a very long time.  My thought on the matter is that there is a school of thought that actually recommends fasting to kick start a diet – not for any length of time, but just to clean out the system and, as I said, reboot your body’s metabolism computer.  

It also dawned on me that this is very similar to what a person who has gastric bypass surgery goes through.  They first follow a diet of 1300 calories or so a day for a few months, then have the surgery and are suddenly reduced down to 1000 calories or less in a day, simply because they are unable to eat large amounts or, for the first few weeks, particular food groups.

I can’t afford to have the surgery.  I am at a point that I believe I would if I could.  I can, however, mimic the effects with the exception of the reduced amount of stomach lining to absorb the food.  

Today is Day #5 of eating this way.  I can honestly say that I can see how people become anorexic or bulemic because the feeling of control is very appreciable.  I am not even close to falling into that pit (Mama does love her food way too much), but I can recognize the allure.  I have lost 3 of the 5 pounds I gained, but I also did start my period and had a good bit of water weight. 

I have walked 3 days of those 5.  It hasn’t been anything impressive, just a mile or so.

My dress is looser than before.  That is enough to make me happy for now.

So that’s where I am at the moment and I am going to see where it leads me as the next step in the process.

Thank you for being there and for walking the path with me for these few minutes.